


Just A Word

by SunnyStories



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: AU, Abuse, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Glad to add to the trans natsuki works, Trans Female Character, Trans Natsuki, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-01 06:05:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17861735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunnyStories/pseuds/SunnyStories
Summary: Natsuki hated that word. It was mocking.Natsuki hated that word. It made her feel less than she was.Natsuki hated that word. Because he would use it.





	1. Home?

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this work. I had this idea for a while, but I didn't know how to articulate it. I tried an experimental style with it and I liked how it came out. It's a three part story, with the romance in the final chapter.

** Just a Word **

Cute.

She was 18. She hated being called that word.

> _She loved being called that word. She was 8._

Her father would call her cute. It was a mocking tone. She would never be enough of a girl.

>                 _Her father would call her cute. It made her feel loved. It made her feel like she belonged._

Whenever he would start calling her that, she only felt dread. She tried to stay out of his way, to live her life as she so desperately wanted to. She saved up from working odd jobs to buy a girl’s uniform, the slice-of-life manga that helped her cope, anything to help her present to the world that she **was** how she felt inside.

>                 _She felt elated any time her father would call her. She loved her father. Any time she wanted to try on a dress and liked it, he would buy it for her. A princess, he would say. He would give her anything she wanted._

Her mother had left. She never knew why, wondered if it was her fault. In the end, Natsuki knew why, but she still left her with the **wretched** man, who was doing the same to her.

>                 _Her mother would laugh a bright laugh that would fill the room with kindness. She wanted to bask in the shine that her mother left everywhere. Natsuki loved her parents._

Natsuki hated her parents. One had left her to fend for herself. All the times that she had heard her mother would be there for her were lies. The other was the aggressor that had caused her to grow up much too quick. She wished her father would show the support he had in the days of her youth. When he was still sober for most of the week. When he was too busy supporting his family to ever hurt them.

>                 _Her father started to come home earlier more often. Not enough work at the company, they had told him. It wasn’t a worry though, because he would continue on and probably get a promotion soon. It was inevitable after all, with all the years he had spent with them._

“How is my cute Natty tonight?” It sent a shiver down her spine whenever he would use her pet name. He was drunk again tonight. “Still trying to trick the world?”

“I’m just working on my homework,” She was stiff. She didn’t want to make any movements. Anything could make him explode. “It’s for tomorrow.”

“Best of luck to you, **my boy**. Take off those **silly clothes** before you go to bed!” His voice rose, hollering out what he had to say. Was this what she deserved?

>                 _“How is my cute Natty?” Natsuki jumped onto him as soon as he had gotten home._
> 
> _“Papa! I went to the park today and it was amazing! I made so many new friends!” Her father chuckled. He placed his hand on her head and patted her._
> 
> _“You can bring them home sometime. Were they cute girls? Got a crush on one of them already?” Natsuki blushed and yelled out a ‘gross!’ before jumping out of his arms and running to the kitchen to her mother._

She woke up and groggily pushed herself out of bed. Looking out of her window, she could see that the car was still there. She could only think of the trouble that was awaiting her before her trip to the school. She put on her uniform and opened the door to her room. Looking both ways, she made her way down the stairs to try and sneak out before her father saw her. She was almost at the door.

“Goddamn it Natsuki, why are you wearing that again? Do you go to school like that every day?” Her father started walking down the stairs as she stood, frozen in fear.

“…” Natsuki knew if she lied, he would just hit that much harder.

“Can you, for one damn second, consider how I feel?” Her feelings were irrelevant. “How long do you insist on playing like this?”

“I- I’m not playing…” Her nerve broke. She was weak.

“Go change into the **right** uniform. That’s an order.” She made her way up to put on the wrong uniform. People would make fun of her today.

>                 “ _Don’t worry dear, you’ll find another job soon.” It was meant to reassure, but it had the opposite effect._
> 
>                 _“What do you know? It’s so hard,” He took a good swig from the bottle, “So much pressure. I need to provide and I can’t!”_
> 
>                 _“It’ll be o-" The slap was heard across all the rooms in the house. Natsuki heard it and went to investigate._
> 
> _“What’s wrong Mama and Papa?” Natsuki’s father was sitting on the bed, with her mother on the same bed, but her body laid down on it._
> 
> _“You… How long do you insist on playing dress-up? We bought you perfectly good and appropriate clothes!” His yells got louder as he approached her._
> 
> _“Let her be!” Her mother had gotten up and stood in between them._
> 
> _“Her? It’s her now? Come on!” She was 12._

Natsuki was panicking. The last time she had to show up in the wrong uniform, the bullies had added to her bruises. She quickly texted Sayori.

Nat: Hey, do you have a spare uniform?

SayoSayo: Why?

Nat: Dad made me wear the wrong one.

SayoSayo: What? What a jerk, why would he do that?

Nat: Can you help?

SayoSayo: Sure, I’ll bring the old one I have. It might fit.

Nat: Thanks!

>                 _The first time he hit her, it was a surprise. He yelled at her to start acting like a man. She didn’t know what to do, her mother was gone now. There was a promise of return, but she knew that wouldn’t happen. The second time was no less of a surprise. The tenth time, she figured she deserved it. After all, why would such a kind man that cared for her hit her otherwise. Her mother left when she was 14. In two years, it went from yelling to hitting. In two years, she went from being well fed to barely scarping together a meal every day._
> 
> _When her uniform came in last year, she accepted it and made a plan. She could buy the right one off of one of the girls she met. She had started saving up the money she was earning through odd jobs. When she was older, she could apply for a job that would be more stable._

“Hey Natsuki!” A voice much too cheery came up from behind her, holding out a bag.

“Thank you again Sayori,” She rushed to the bathroom to change.

She could make it through the day.  

> _She was 17 when she found the literature club. It was solace like no other. She could be open about her interests and express her opinions. She didn’t like how Monika treated her, but she figured it was because she was just bossy._
> 
> _She was 18 when Sayori brought a boy to the club. He ruined the atmosphere._

 She was 18, and she was still just a  **cute** child. 


	2. Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is expected. 
> 
> Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A much shorter chapter. I guess I am going to try and update weekly now? Changed from 3 to 4 chapters because chapter 3 is already 2000 words and I won't be able to finish until later, so creating two separate chapters means I can update sooner.

Cute.

She hated being called that word.

Especially by the guy with a face so plain you could forget it the moment you looked away.

When Sayori first brought him to the club, she had made cupcakes.

Baking.

It was one of the few things she loved to do. It was one of the few things that made her feel more like she was the beautiful girl she wanted herself to be.

Not a cute girl.

The guy started to talk to her. He loved manga too. Someone who loves manga couldn’t be too bad, right? Yet, whenever he called her cute, she would shrink. She felt like he was mocking her. Like he knew her secret and was only using it to torment her. Was that even possible?

She knew it was unreasonable. How could he know? Why should he know?

…

Would he accept her and love her if he knew?

He read books with Yuri too. Yuri was always trying to take all of his attention. _Why?_

The only thing she had to look forward to was reading with him. Even if she was hungry and her head hurt from the slap across her face that morning and her back hurt from being thrown against the wall, at least she could read manga with him.

Why was Yuri in the way?

Why didn’t Yuri care about her?

Why?

It was like a slap to the face. A metaphorical one. She was too used to the literal ones.

 

 

 

When he tried to look down her skirt, she wasn’t sure if he knew this time.

Were the times he called her cute after that mocking? Was he being sincere? She still hated it.

Her precious manga were damaged because of him, but at least he was still paying attention to her, right?

At least someone still cared about her.

Right?

 

 

 

When they were making cupcakes at his house, she was nervous.

She was with a guy alone, and this was how the mood was set wasn’t it?

Why did she feel so much dread, then?

Eventually, when the cupcakes were almost made, he was getting more aggressive with her.

He pinned her hands.

She wanted to scream. It was all wrong.

She had this happen to her before, and it ended in bruises.

What was he trying to do? Would he do this if it was any of the other girls? She tried to play it off a joke so that it wouldn’t go any further. But he just pushed harder.

And she felt gross. This was wrong. It was all wrong. Why was he doing this to her? She wasn’t sure what was about to happen next…

Then the fire alarm rang.

“Is something burning?”

She was relieved and went to check the oven.

 

 

 

When she was about to leave, she felt like he was still expecting something. It was expected of her, right? She moved closer to him. Was this right? Is this what she had to do to be accepted? As she moved closer to him, she thought of Yuri.

Why was she thinking of Yuri?

“I’ve felt it…”

She didn’t even like Yuri.

She was a girl. Girls had to like boys. She couldn’t be a girl and like girls.

_Then people would call her fake._

“For a while now…”

She definitely wasn’t attracted to Yuri.

“…!”

She was relieved to see Sayori. What was she even doing? Sayori obviously loved the plain guy in front of her. Sayori didn’t deserve this.

_She didn’t deserve any attention herself. Why was she getting in Sayori’s way?_

As he and Sayori started talking, she left.

She wasn’t gay.

She wasn’t in love with a girl.

She wasn’t in love with Yuri.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've dealt with so much questioning for being trans and having a girlfriend. Like, isn't it easy to just stay as I am without any hrt because I can pretend to be straight? 
> 
> Well, fuck that. 
> 
> I'm gay and so is Natsuki.


	3. Strength and Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The festival comes. The festival passes. Natsuki realizes that she can't stay in her own small world anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little late to my weekly update but I managed to post it! The last chapter is coming along pretty well (about halfway done). This week has been kind of hellish and I hope that I will have enough time this weekend to finish my chapter 4. If you don't hear from me, the last chapter will be uploaded when I manage to find time to write!

Cute.

She hated being called that word.

Except when it came from the one person she loved the most.

> _Day 0. The festival. Sayori had come in holding hands with him, wearing a scarf. To avoid suspicion, she had told them that she was starting to feel sick, but Natsuki wasn’t sure that was it. No one inquired further, and they ran their own stations for the festival. A lot of people came and went, taking her cupcakes and enjoying them. None of them seemed interested in invading her solace. She would steal glances at him and Sayori. They were staying close, and it looked like he had his eyes on her like a hawk. Natsuki was **absolutely not** stealing glances at Yuri, who was performing her poem. She **didn’t notice** how strong Yuri’s voice sounded, and how the girl was projecting her soul with her performance. _

“Ready to go?” Yuri was waiting for her to sort her manga back into the closet. 

“Geez… You could help y’know,” Natsuki pouted as she continued. Yuri slowly made her way over and picked up several books and looked at Natsuki for direction. “You arrange those in alphabetical order and then volume.”

> _Day 1. It was like the club had returned to normal. Since he came, things had started to get heated as they fought for his attention, but now that Sayori had confessed, it was starting to calm down. It all felt surreal, like something had overcome them as soon as he walked through that door the first day. Monika wasn’t at the meeting today, so Sayori was acting as President. Otherwise, things were getting back to normal._
> 
> _Too Normal._
> 
> _“No Natsuki! I don’t appreciate how you keep interrupting me!”_
> 
> _“Oh, come on! I never get to express myself!”_
> 
> _“You’re always shouting in the clubroom.”_
> 
> _“N-No… I’m just trying to project myself,” Did Yuri hate her for speaking her mind?_
> 
> _“Well, maybe you should project yourse-”_
> 
> _“Guys! Stop it!” Sayori rushed in to stop our fight again._
> 
> _“Yeah, you guys need to try to understand each other…” He had followed closely behind Sayori._
> 
> _“Ugh! Like I could understand her!” Both of them snapped back._
> 
> _“Okay! How about this! You guys need to exchange your interests with each other to try something new!” Sayori’s suggestion made sense. It sounded like something right out of a story too._
> 
> _“I… I have to read manga…?”_
> 
> _“You! You… should be more open to trying new things…”_
> 
> _“Are you saying you have no objections to reading one of my “creepy” books?” Yuri’s face looked like she was ready to fight back at anything Natsuki would say._
> 
> _“Ah!” Natsuki realized she looked like a hypocrite. She was judging people’s interests… “I’m… Ugh I’m sorry I called your books creepy, okay, Yuri? I’m willing to give your books a try.”_
> 
> _“…” Yuri contemplated what she had just heard. It was rare for Natsuki to be direct. “I… I’m also sorry for disrespecting your interests, Natsuki… If you’re willing to consider starting a novel… Then I’ll offer my gratitude by finding a manga to read as well.”_
> 
> _“Really!?” Natsuki visibly perked up. But quickly rescinded, “I mean… It… makes me happy you’d do that for me, Yuri.”_
> 
> _After that, Natsuki and Yuri made plans to pick out some books at a bookstore nearby and the club meeting was over._

Once all the manga was back in its place, Yuri and Natsuki headed out.

“S-Should we stop by the bookstore again?” Yuri asked as she grasped Natsuki’s hand in her own.

“And… Maybe a café after? N-Not for a date or anything!” Natsuki’s eyes made their way to the ground.

“Y-Yeah… I-I’d like that…”

> _Day 5. It was like any other day in the club. They were reading each other’s poems. Everyone was improving and she was starting to understand the language Yuri was using more now. The things Yuri described became more vivid and she started to get lost in the same world Yuri was seeing. She could only hope that Yuri was feeling the same. Reading literature from each other had helped them understand each other more. Clearly, Sayori was onto something with her suggestion._
> 
> _As they grew closer, the cloud over Natsuki’s feelings had also started to clear up._
> 
> _That was scary._
> 
> _Natsuki didn’t want to admit that she had always had a fascination with Yuri and was always stealing glances at her, even after their worst fights. She didn’t want to admit that she was gay. And she knew. She knew that it didn’t make her any less of who she really was, but people always doubt it._
> 
> _‘You must not really be a woman, since you love women!’ They would say. It wasn’t true at all. Yet, it sent doubts through the networks that made up the mind, creeping into the deepest corners of doubt._
> 
> _Natsuki didn’t know what to do with her feelings. She didn’t want to face the fact that she was in love with the one person she thought she hated. She didn’t understand._

They walked through the bookstore together, picking out books and manga for each other again. It was an activity they had grown fond of and reminded them of what brought them closer.

“Are you sure you can buy this for me?” Natsuki asked meekly, holding out the new volume of Parfait Girls. She wasn’t used to depending on others or asking them to get her something.

“Absolutely Natsuki. It’s yours.”

“G-great! Th…” Natsuki gritted her teeth. _Why was it still so hard?_

“…” Yuri waited patiently. They had agreed that they both needed to be patient as they work through their issues.

“THANK YOU!” Natsuki yelled out, attracting attention from most of the store.

“It’s a pleasure, I assure you.”

Once the pair was done picking out their own books and their recommendations, they paid and left.

> _Day 15. Natsuki loved Yuri. There was no denying her feelings._
> 
> _At school, she and Yuri had been getting along much better than before the festival. She felt like they were friends, and that Yuri was becoming fonder of her. She would catch Yuri stealing glances at her now, but she thought nothing of it. It wasn’t like Yuri could like someone as brash as her._
> 
> _Natsuki also loved her papa, as misguided as he was in his current state._
> 
> _She didn’t know who to talk to about her feelings. Sayori was still recovering from her recent attempt. Monika was always busy, and Natsuki was always unnerved by the girl. She still didn’t completely trust him._
> 
> _So, she did something crazy. She told her father._
> 
> _“And you still insist on the stupid dresses and make up?” Of course he wouldn’t understand. “Y’know what? Maybe I’ve been too soft. It’s time for a harsher punishment.”_
> 
> _Natsuki hadn’t felt like she was getting punished by her father before. She felt like she was being punished because she didn’t deserve anything better. After her confession, she understood that her father was punishing her, had punished her for years, and it was because her mother had left. It was all Natsuki’s fault. It was all her fault. Her fault._
> 
> _What else could be the truth?_
> 
> _What was her truth?_
> 
> _Only hunger was truth._

“Please order as much as you want…” Yuri was aghast at Natsuki only ordering a cookie for her ‘meal’.

“B-bu-”

“Please.”

Natsuki still hesitated. She didn’t understand how Yuri could offer so much for her.

“Natsuki. I have plenty. Your wellbeing is more significant currently. Order. Eat.”

Tears threatened to spill. Despite being forceful, it was kindness, and she still wasn’t used to that.

“Ok-” She choked back. “Okay…”

Soon, Natsuki’s side of the table filled with plates that were more representative of a meal.

> _Day 20. Hunger. Anger. Natsuki wondered if she would ever eat again. Or if the times she had eaten were actually an illusion. She had gym class today. The teacher had already told her that she would fail if she skipped any more classes, so she couldn’t come up with an excuse for today._
> 
> _She didn’t want to have to explain to a teacher that her father wasn’t feeding her. Too many questions follow.  Too many answers expected. It was easier to make it through the day, and she could finally rest during the club._
> 
> _Laps. Running laps was so old school, and yet today was the day for laps. Breathing hurt, but she had to make it through. Her legs ached, but she had to make it through. Her vision was fading, but she had to make it through._
> 
> _What lap was she on? How much longer did she have to run?_
> 
> _The world was shifting up._
> 
> _The ground came up to meet her face. It stung, and she could see red pooling out. She pushed herself up, but the ground refused to let her go._
> 
> _…_
> 
> _In a flash, she was up. An arm was draped around her stomach and she was being lifted up. She could feel the blood drip down her leg from her knees. She could feel the blood drip from her face. She could feel the dirt mixing with her blood on her palms._
> 
> _She was being rushed to the nurse’s office. She could tell; she knew the way. The purple being carrying her was more powerful than she thought. She dozed off._
> 
> _When she was awake again, she saw Yuri with her face in one of her manga suggestions._
> 
> _“Hey Yuri.”_
> 
> _“Natsuki! You’re awake!” Yuri quickly put the book down on a table nearby and sat on the bed, “Are you feeling better now? Are you still hurt? What happened?”_
> 
> _The questions were overwhelming her, but she answered, “Little better. Not hurt anymore, I think. I don’t know what happened. I was running and then dropped.”_
> 
> _“… When was the last time you ate?” That one stung Natsuki more than the scraps that were bandaged up._
> 
> _“Oh, you know. When I usually eat every morning,” Lying to Yuri never felt good, but she couldn’t add to Yuri’s worries._
> 
> _“…” Yuri looked conflicted, like she wasn’t sure she should continue. And Natsuki hoped she wouldn’t. No such luck, “Natsuki… please…”_
> 
> _The pleading that came with that voice hurt more than the rocks that had pierced her skin. **Can’t cry now. Can’t cry now. Can’t cry. Can’t.**_
> 
> _Her emotions spilled, and the tears followed as she wailed out. It wasn’t fair. Why could Yuri break down her guard with just a few words. She had worked so hard to keep it all hidden._
> 
> _“Your father?” Yuri asked as she pulled Natsuki into an embrace. With only half-hearted resistance, Natsuki’s head was now resting on Yuri’s shoulder. A nod was given in response to the question. Then a shake to the following, “Have you eaten at all this past week?”_
> 
> _As her sobs faded, Yuri pulled Natsuki off her shoulder to inspect the shorter girl. Her purple eyes met the pink eyes, and it was as if something had just clicked in Yuri’s mind. Natsuki saw the other girl’s face approaching and couldn’t comprehend why. She didn’t get much longer to think about it either._
> 
> _The door opened, and the nurse walked in. Natsuki realized what was going on in Yuri’s mind._
> 
> _Yuri was startled by the door opening and started pulling away. Natsuki had missed her chance…_
> 
> _Natsuki wasn’t going to let this chance get away. She pushed herself up to meet Yuri’s lips with her own. Yuri’s surprise makes it that much more satisfying. Yuri pushing back makes it that much more satisfying. The door closing as the nurse makes her way out makes it that much more satisfying._
> 
> _“You’re cute.” For the first time in a long time, Natsuki felt it._

“You’re a cutie pie.” Natsuki’s heart soared again. But only for Yuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please comment! Comments bring many good things, like motivation and confidence.


	4. Meaningful Processes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A relationship may not fix all of your problems, but it is a wonderful feeling to have support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final installment of this story! I think I really like this style and it was good for the story I wanted to tell. It's unlikely I'll post another story for a month or so after this since it's finals time. I'm working on a Sayonika story though!

_Cute_.

It was just a word.

The nature of words is that they can be used by anyone, and words themselves don’t hurt.

Natsuki had encountered many words.

_Useless._

Always.

 _Trash_.

Often.

 _Mistake_.

Sometimes.

They had hurt.

A fork may be **useless** for soup. It was just a word.

You can throw out the **trash**. It was just a word.

 **Mistakes** happen, and they can be resolved. It was just a word.

Natsuki had used words that hurt too.

> _Bitch. Edge. Cut._
> 
> “ _Hey… Yuri…” Natsuki spoke softly._
> 
> _The two were on her couch. Natsuki was laying on top of Yuri, who was on her back on the couch, softly stroking Natsuki’s hair. Natsuki was comfortable and warm._
> 
> _“I…” She paused. It shouldn’t be this hard to apologize anymore. “I’m sorry for how I acted before.”_
> 
> _“What do you mean?”_
> 
> _“Y’- Y’know, when I called you a bitch and told everyone your secret…”_
> 
> _Yuri was silent. The hand that was stroking the shorter girl’s hair had come to a halt._
> 
> _“I was… out of line. I wanted to help you, I really did. I didn’t know how and when I got upset, I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have done that. It’s… a reflex.”_
> 
> _The hand had moved away from her head and was now gripping her shoulder. “You weren’t the only one. I was obsessed with him… I think I was imprinting on hi-”_
> 
> “ _Imprinting?”_
> 
> _“It’s a term sometimes used for people with borderline personality disorder. They can imprint on someone and form a deep emotional attachment that can get obsessive. I felt like my life revolved around him… And I took it out on everyone because I thought my life was going to be over if someone took him away. After Sayori started dating him… I felt terrible. But!” Yuri took a pause because she felt Natsuki stiffen. “I worked through it. It’s hard but realizing my feelings for you helped. I thought I loved him, but I just loved the attention he was giving me. I… I need to work on working through those feelings more.”_
> 
> _“Shit. Whoa. That’s a lot.”_
> 
> _“Believe me, I know.”_
> 
> _“Did you… Do you…”_
> 
> _“Still cut?”_
> 
> _“Y-Yeah…”_
> 
> _“Yes.”_
> 
> _“…” Natsuki didn’t know how to approach this. She wanted her girlfriend to be safe, but she knew it wasn’t that simple. “Can I help?”_
> 
> _“I…” A pause that was uncomfortably long. “Natsuki, there are some things that I don’t even know about you yet. And before we continue, I think you need to be more honest with me too.”_
> 
> _Nerves froze as Natsuki was finally getting up to face Yuri. “What do you mean?”_
> 
> _“You don’t think I notice the redness of your cheek at least once a week? The bruises you get that you try to cover up like I cover my scars?” Yuri pulled up her sleeves to emphasize her point. “How hungry you always are? How hungry you were when you collapsed that day?”_
> 
> _“…”_
> 
> _“Or the poem you wrote calling out for help? I noticed. But I didn’t intervene. And I am sincerely sorry. I was not in the best place. But if you want to help me… Nat, you have to allow yourself that same kindness.”_
> 
> _“But he-” Yuri put a finger to pink girl’s lips._
> 
> _“He is hurting you. You don’t hurt someone you love.”_
> 
> _Tears formed in the small girl’s eyes. “I-”_
> 
> _“You deserve love, just like I do. You deserve help.”_
> 
> _Crying was the best she could do now. She needed help and Yuri was there. She needed **to** help and Yuri was there. Natsuki lamented how crying in front of Yuri felt cathartic. _

Natsuki was still working on her meal. Eating was still a challenge. The size of her stomach was adjusting to having food always available, but she couldn’t handle big meals quickly. There were many nights where she lay awake hungry before. Now, she lays awake to make sure her body doesn’t release everything she has tried to put into it.

“It’s okay if we pack it up to go for later too, cupcake,” The voice breaking her from her thoughts, Natsuki nodded in acknowledgement.

“Thank you…” It was hard not expecting comments about being a wasteful brat or staring down to avoid the glare that would have been pointed at her. No, it was only the kindness that radiated from lavender eyes. “I-”

Natsuki wondered if these anxieties would ever go away. Each time she thinks about food, there’s a pit in her stomach. If she even glances at food now, it threatens to remind her of the times when her papa would actually be bringing home food. It makes her miss him. He was twisted and couldn’t show her his love. He became worse and worse as time went on, but she still missed her papa, who would pick her up and swing her around. The man who would joke with her and call her precious. Not the man who would kick her in the stomach when things got to be too much for him. Not the man who blamed her for everything under the sun. Not her father.

Once again, her thoughts are broken, this time by the ringing of the bell at the front door. She responds to Yuri, “Ah! Sorry, I got a bit lost in my thoughts. I’m glad you’re here for me.”

“No problem, cupcake,” Yuri’s emphasis on the last word causes her face to go red.

Natsuki looks away, towards the counter to hide that fact.

She sees her father.

Her face goes pale.

> _Yuri’s slumber is interrupted by the ringing of her phone. She annoyedly and drowsily checks who was called her this late._
> 
> _It’s Natsuki. She’s made 5 calls prior._
> 
> _“Hey.”_
> 
> _“Is everything okay, Natsuki?”_
> 
> _“No. Can you come over and pick me up? I need to stay with someone tonight.”_
> 
> _“Has h-”_
> 
> _“Yuri, please come quickly. We can talk once you’re here.”_
> 
> _“Okay, I’m on my way…”_
> 
> _Yuri readies in a hurry and makes her way to Natsuki’s swiftly. She’s there. She can see only one light on, waiting to notify her that the resident she was there for would open the door._
> 
> _Natsuki comes out with two bags. She throws them into the back and get into the passenger seat. Before Yuri can say anything, Natsuki wails and tears start to fall from her eyes. The young, fierce and exuberant girl broke down once again in front of her._
> 
> _After she had calmed down, she began, “He was yelling again. He was so loud.” A pause. Natsuki considered showing the results. She did._
> 
> _“Love, you don’t deserve that,” Yuri pulled down the glove box to hand Natsuki an ointment to help soothe the bruises. Some relief would be good. Natsuki agreed and put on some the ointment._
> 
> _She continued, “It was so much louder than usual. He was throwing things around. He said he wanted to kill me, so I hid in my closet, away from him. He pounded my door, telling me if I didn’t open the door, he would throw me out onto the streets with nothing._
> 
> _One of the neighbours must have called. The police came and knocked on my door. I didn’t know until they told me and I opened the door to avoid suspicion. He got taken in for questioning because they saw all the bruises._
> 
> _…_
> 
> _I’m scared. What if I am left on the streets? He was the only family that would support me. He was right. I am a useless brat. I’m sorry for being born a mistake.”_
> 
> _“Natsuki, you are none of those things. He says them to hurt you and they’re not true,” Yuri took her hands. “You’re extraordinarily precious and his prerogative was protecting you.”_
> 
> _“Yeah! But he didn’t! At least he still fed me sometimes! Where am I supposed to go now?! Where do I stay? I don’t work enough to support this house. I barely work enough to be on my hrt and have some snacks from time to time. This is all I have! Whoever called is ruining my life!”_
> 
> _“Natsuki, what he was doing wasn’t okay, you can’t still believe it was,” Yuri held onto the smaller girl’s hand tighter._
> 
> _“But where will I go, huh? I can’t just stay with you forever,” Natsuki lashed out._
> 
> _“Why not?”_
> 
> _Natsuki was caught off guard. She wasn’t sure she heard Yuri right, “H-Huh?”_
> 
> _“Why can’t you stay with me? I’m living alone and there’s a guest room for your things. You can stay in my bed too. You’ll have regular meals. You don’t have to worry about being around him. And you don’t have to stay forever, just until you can find your footing.” Natsuki considered the proposition._
> 
> _She had stayed with Yuri before so it wasn’t the worst idea. But could she move out so quickly? Her father would likely oppose._
> 
> _“My pap-”_
> 
> _“He hurts you. He might be back, but you don’t have to be here when he does. We can write him a letter explaining everything. I will protect you if he tries to bring you back.”_
> 
> _“Yuri… This isn’t… going to work,” Natsuki’s voice was ever-so-quiet._
> 
> _“Please, let me try to help you. You’ve done so much for me. I’ve been clean for a month because of you and I want you to be free from him. He can’t shackle you here… I want you to be safe…” Yuri had tears forming in her eyes now._
> 
> _Natsuki sighed. She wanted this. But was it the right choice?_
> 
> _“Okay… okay. I’ll go stay with you. But just until I’m ready to be by myself.”_
> 
> _“Absolutely!” Relief had washed over Yuri, but the tears were still pooling. She hugged Natsuki, “I will protect you.”_

Yuri knocked on the stall.

“Is he gone?”

“Yes, he has departed.”

“What took him so long?”

“He wanted to pass on a message. I’m not sure if you want to hear it.”

A sigh. “Sure, not like he can make things any harder.”

“He said he was sorry…”

“Yeah, like a hundred times already!”

“And h- he said he was going to a counsellor to work through his anger,” Yuri wasn’t sure if she should be telling Natsuki any of this, but she knew Natsuki would eventually ask.

“I-” There’s hesitation as she begins to speak, “He still hurt me. I don’t know if he will get better. He might pretend to be better just get me back there again. I don’t want to go back there…”

“Y- you don’t have to… I concur. He may get aggressive again. I would fight to keep you away from him. Ah!”

“What?”

“I kind of… already… I slapped him out of anger when he approached me,” Yuri’s voice was rapid, but soft.

Natsuki practically jumped out of the stall at hearing that. “What?! Did that bastard hurt you in any way after?”

“N-No!” Startled by the rush, Yuri’s voice rose again. “But… You don’t have to go back there. We don’t know if he will get better. Maybe, if he does, you can visit. But that’s a choice you make, not him.”

“I know. Thank you, sweetie. I love you.”

“I love you too, cutie pie.”

They made their way out of the bathroom. Yuri apologized for the disturbance they caused at the café. Finally, they are back at _their_ house. Yuri starts to make some tea once they get in. Meanwhile, Natsuki makes her way to _their_ room and starts to change. Yuri comes up with tea once she’s done.

“Geez, didn’t you just have tea at the café?”

“Uh! W-Well… you can never have too much tea…” That was typical of Yuri, she could never be separated from her tea, “And it soothes me.”

The two had agreed that Yuri had to find different ways to manage her stress and her compulsions.  One of them was tea. So of course, Natsuki asks, “Are you okay?”

“Yes! Just… my nerves are still up here,” She makes a gesture to above her head, “So I want to calm down after what happened with your father.”

Natsuki pulled Yuri onto the bed once the tea was set on the table beside the bed. She rubbed Yuri’s shoulders. Another way to manage her stress and compulsions.

It had been hard to give up the previous “management”.

> _The blood-water mixture pooled at the bottom of the sink. The colour was getting deeper each second. She’s been clean for over a month. She had helped Natsuki move in. She had done so much to bring herself and her love up._
> 
> _But the blades called. The edge called her. Her wrists screamed to feel cold to release their warmth. It was all wrong._
> 
> _She felt all wrong. It was just one cut, light. Then it was one more cut, deeper. Then another, too deep. She screamed when that happened. She had never screamed before. Was it a vein she cut? Or was the pain from failing herself? From failing Natsuki? For ruining all she had worked towards for an entire month._
> 
> _She was a failure. She was all wrong. She wanted to cut again._
> 
> _Once Natsuki heard her scream, she ran up to find the aftermath of **her failure**. She didn’t say a word. She just grabbed the lavender scented girl holding blood-soaked cloths and rushed her to the bathroom. The blood mixed with the water as her wrists felt cold again. _
> 
> _“Why?” Was all Natsuki asked._
> 
> _‘ **Because I’m a failure.’** She looked to Natsuki’s eyes. Concern. “It’s been a rough week, I suppose.” _
> 
> _“You said you’d come talk to me…”_
> 
> **_‘Because I’m all wrong.’_ ** _More concern. Disappointment? Understanding? “I’m sorry.”_
> 
> _“We’re going to start again. You did good for a month.”_
> 
> **_‘But I want to cut again.’_ ** _Sincerity. “Will it be okay?”_
> 
> _“Yes, Yuri. I’m still here.”_
> 
> _“You won’t get tired of me?”_
> 
> _“Relapse is normal. I won’t leave you for that.”_
> 
> _Was she a failure?_
> 
> _“We all make mistakes. You can do better next time.” Maybe she was, but she could try again._
> 
> _Was she all wrong?_
> 
> _“It doesn’t make you a bad person because you relapsed.” Maybe she was, but she could do better. She could learn._
> 
> _Did she want to cut again?_
> 
> _“Your thoughts don’t control you. You can get through this.” She did, but she was going to challenge her urges. She was going to get better and get through this._
> 
> _The girl beside her brought her back to a ground state more times than she could have ever imagined anyone could. As she wrapped the bandages around her arm, Yuri reached out with her free hand and stroked the pink hair. She also gave the smaller girl a kiss on the forehead. She could do this. For Natsuki._
> 
> _She could do this._
> 
> _For herself._
> 
> _She could do this._
> 
> _“All done. Come down and we can have some of the most delicious stew you’ll have ever tasted in your life.”_

“I’m going to make us something to eat now, sweetie.” Natsuki said quietly before kissing Yuri on the cheek. She made her escape slowly to be careful not to wake the girl who had fallen into a slumber.

It had been hard for Natsuki to adjust once she had first moved in. She felt guilty, like a burden on the most important person in her life. She needed to do something, or anything, to calm her nerves. First, her father had called and demanded she come back. She almost did. Yuri assured her that nothing would go wrong if she didn’t go back. It was added to the list of things she wanted to repay Yuri for.

Now he was in therapy? It seemed too good to be true. Regardless, she didn’t want to move back in with him. For a while, she felt like she was the biggest imposition for Yuri. She wanted to pull her own weight and feel comfortable being in the space she was being provided with no costs. She started to do the chores and clean the house spotless. Yuri wasn’t too fond of it when she saw how Natsuki’s hands have been rubbed raw. They came to an agreement for cleaning: following a schedule. No more blisters followed that new rule.

Still Natsuki felt like she wasn’t doing enough. She insisted that she cook every meal. They tried that for a few days, but Natsuki had almost no experience actually making a good-portioned lunch. Yuri took over breakfast and lunch-prep, but Natsuki would still do a big dinner. Eventually, she didn’t need Yuri’s help to figure out how much she _should_ be cooking for 2 people. She was so used to only cooking for one and having leftovers. _If there was anything left that is._

It took a while, but she got used to living with Yuri. After multiple arguments with the taller girl, she realized that she was doing enough. More importantly, even if she wasn’t, she didn’t deserve to be punished for it.  

She deserved love.

For the night, she had decided to make spaghetti with a cheese blend.

She heard Yuri making her way down the stairs when she was almost done. The other girl snaked her hands around the petite body of her girlfriend.

“An exquisite aroma,” Yuri’s voice was soft and groggy.

“Only the best for you.”

She had support in the form of the beautiful girl that was holding her. She unwrapped herself and whisked around to catch the purple eyes in surprise and plant her lips where they belonged.

“Because you give me the best too.”

She supported her girlfriend too.

“Yes, because you are the best, and because you’re so cute” Yuri whispered before pulling her girlfriend in for another kiss.

Natsuki had one thought as their kiss deepened.

_‘Damn, this is sickeningly cute.’_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that! This is one of my favourite stories to write! 
> 
> Writing about bpd and OCD was a little bit cathartic too. I think Yuri has to deal with both of those. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you will comment if you liked it! I love comments and you should tell me what you liked (or didn't like?)!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated.


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